The Sexy List
by Shingeki no Shiba
Summary: A list pops up on facebook about the sexiest people at Shibusen. Nobody really knows how to deal with it.


_After the relative success of DWMA Prom, I decided that I want to practice writing more humor. Also, I want to practice writing from a first person POV. This is just an idea that popped into my head, and I felt the need to write it down. As usual, OCs are featured, so read my stories, yo! Enjoy! xoxoArsenic_

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><p>The list was released in the dead of winter, when everybody was cold and tired and bored. That's probably what prompted its creator: boredom. Although, how anybody could be bored while collecting souls is beyond me. Most likely the person who made the list was a slacker who had nothing better to do. But the reason why it was created is nothing compared to the reaction it sparked.<p>

I remember I was late to class the day it sprung up. I'd overslept because Ragnarok had woken me up every hour that night, which in itself wasn't unusual. What was unusual was that he'd encouraged me to sleep in late afterwards, and that I actually obeyed. As soon as I walked into homeroom, Maka ran over to me.

"Did you hear about it?" she cried.

"What?" I asked, flinching. _She must be really freaked out, if she's this loud._ "What happened?"

"Someone posted a list on facebook. A list of the most attractive people in Shibusen! It's horrible, just horrible!" She balled her hands into fists. "Ugh! It makes me sick!"

"Um… what do you mean?" I asked, not really comprehending. "Why is it so horrible?"

"There are 800 students in Shibusen, right? 400 boys and 400 girls. It gives everyone a rank based on their attractiveness, with one being the prettiest and four hundred being the ugliest. Guess where I am?"

"Um… two?" I suggested, knowing that I'd get on her bad side if I said anything higher.

Maka gave a sad laugh and put a hand on my shoulder.

"No, Crona. That's very sweet, but no. I'm… three hundred and twelve." She said it with so much shame that I expected her to collapse right then and there.

"The list is lying," I told her.

"Yeah," added Ragnarok. "If it was telling the truth, you'd be at four hundred, you ugly cow!"

As Maka and Ragnarok started shouting at each other, I took my seat. Even though it was a horrible thing, I couldn't help but be morbidly curious about everybody's rank. Including my own. I would have to check it out on my computer when I got home.

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><p>"So whaddaya think you rank?" asked Aless, peering over my shoulder as I logged onto facebook that afternoon. I felt kind of embarrassed showing her my facebook account, with its meager amount of friends, but then I realized that she probably didn't have many, either. I just hoped that she wouldn't think less of me if my rank was bad.<p>

The page was slow loading, which only added to the tension.

"I honestly don't know," I told her. "To be honest, I really hope they just left me out of the list. It's split into boys and girls, right? Maybe they couldn't decide where to put me and left me off."

"True that." She pursed her lips as the page appeared. The top read, in big red letters, _'The Sexy List'_. "Alright, let's see."

Most of the results weren't surprising. Soul was #1. Kid was #4 (when I'm sure he would rather be 8), and Black*Star was #12. He was probably throwing a fit over not being #1. Maka was #312, as she had told me. Tsubaki was ranked as #19, while Liz and Patti took #4 and #5, respectively.

"Where am I?" Aless asked. She took the keyboard and did a search for her name.

It came up as #314.

"_What the hell?_" she shrieked. "How the hell did that happen? Surely they meant to put 14. Or 31. But that… that's impossible!"

"D-d-don't worry, Aless," I said, trying to calm her down. "I-I think you're pretty."

She ignored me and continued her tirade.

"Why am I behind Maka? My boobs are bigger than hers!"

"Yeah, but did you really expect your skinny ass to rank well?" cackled Ragnarok. "At least Tiny-Tits has the innocent geek thing going for her. But Tsubaki, now _that's_ a sexy woman. And she can even cook!"

Aless, however, had by now built up immunity to the demon weapon's crude comments. She simply curled her lip in disgust, exposing one perilously long fang.

"This is blasphemy! I demand to see the maker of this list! I'll tear his head off! No, I'll tear him limb from limb. Or maybe cut off his dick. _That'd _teach him! Is the person who posted this listed?"

"It just says anonymous," I muttered.

She hissed, laying a hand on my shoulder for support.

"Oh well. I'll figure it out soon, and then he'll get what's coming to him." She looked at me with a tired smile. "Did you want to see your rank?"

"Um… not really," I admitted. "Can you look for me?"

"Okay."

I closed my eyes while she did a search for my name. I heard a gasp.

"What?"

"There's two results… you're on the boys list _and_ the girls list."

_Dammit._

I heard Aless making some strange noises that I recognized as stifled laughter.

"Don't laugh at me!" I cried. "Just tell me what I got!"

"For the boys, you're at 382."

I sucked in a breath.

"And for the girls?"

"54."

My eyes snapped open.

"What did you say?"

"You're at #54 for the girls."

I put my head in my hands.

"I'm a failure," I groaned. "I'm going to Mr. Corner." I started to get up but she caught me by the collar.

"How are you a failure?" Aless asked. "You got a pretty high rank for the girls. I thought you're partially a girl?"

"Yeah, but I feel like a boy more often. Therefore, I'm a failure of a boy."

Ragnarok appeared and leaned on my head.

"Well, what did you expect?" he asked. "I'm surprised you're not ranked last. Aless is the only one here mad enough to find your frequent batshit-insane faces attractive."

"Hey, that's not – well, actually, it is kinda true," Aless admitted.

"What? Your insanity or mine?"

"Both!" she chuckled. "I mean, you gotta admit, you get pretty freaky looking when your black blood is activated. But you're still gorgeous." She kissed me on the cheek. "You know why you did good for the girls but not for the guys? It's your hips. From the waist down, anyone would think you're a girl. You got Medusa's body without the boobs. Lucky duck. I wish I had curves like yours." She snapped her fingers. "I have an idea! We take my upper body and your lower body and create a pretty person!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Think about it! Any daughter of ours would be the sexiest bitch alive!"

I cringed. _I think you're the batshit-insane one now, Aless…_

"That's nice and all," said Ragnarok, "but can we get back to criticizing you two? That's more fun."

"No, we can not." Aless gave a crooked little smile. "Ah, well. This tells me that this list is bullshit, anyway."

"Yeah? Why?"

"'Cause if it told the truth, you'd be #1! Duh!"

I lifted my head out of my hands as I felt my face go red. Aless was always saying things like this. Why didn't she understand that I didn't deserve that type of praise? It was amazing that she'd even be seen around me, let alone admit that we were dating. I tried to accept all the nice things she said to me, but all I could think of was how she was so much better than me. She was nice, and brave, and so pretty. Or at least, that was my opinion. Obviously the creator of the list thought differently. But putting that aside, I felt awkward from her compliment.

"Th-th-thanks, A-Aless," I mumbled.

She giggled and grinned at me.

"C'mon," she said. "Let's go watch a movie or something. This stupid thing isn't worthy of our time."

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><p>For the next few days, I was swamped in insecurity, despite what Aless had said. If anything, I think she made it worse. <em>She must be lying to make me feel better.<em> Every time someone looked at me for longer than a second, I felt like I was being judged more than usual.

Maka, however, wasn't the type of person to get sad over this type of thing. No, she got angry. She spent the week after the list came out trying to find its creator. I actually heard her talking to her arch nemesis, Ox Ford, asking him if he could use his hacking skills to trace the IP address of the person who'd posted the list.

"Maka, why is it such a big deal?" Soul asked. "Who cares about the stupid list?"

"You're only saying that because you're at the top of the list!" she groaned. "You'd feel totally different if you were listed at the end like me."

"At least you weren't #382 like Crona!" Ragnarok told her, grinning. "Honestly, how pathetic is that?"

"Yeah, but Crona was listed in the top hundred for the girls," said Soul. "That's pretty good."

Kid nodded, but kept his mouth shut. After what he'd said to me at prom, it was probably for the best. I didn't think I could deal with him lying like Aless. Speaking of which, she hadn't been talking to me much the past few days. She'd said it was because her best friend, Rikita, needed comforting after seeing her rank of #298. _Yeah. Poor Riki,_ I thought sarcastically. Then I caught myself. Since when did I think cruel things like that? This list was really bringing out the worst in everyone.

Finally, four days after the list made its debut, Aless invited me over to her room to hang out. I'd gotten used to being with her; we spent as much time together as me and Maka. But it still gave me a little jolt whenever she asked to hang out with me.

"Why're you standing?" she asked when we got to her room, flopping down on her bed. "What, suddenly you're uncomfortable around me?"

I sat down next to her, not really in the mood to sprawl out on my back like she was doing. I felt a hand on my arm and she yanked me down so we were both staring up at the ceiling.

"What's the matter, love?" she said, frowning. "You're acting more depressed than usual. Did someone say something? Tell me who, and I'll beat their asses."

"It's… it's just… I don't want to talk about it," I mumbled.

Aless slapped her hand down on the mattress and sat up. I inched away from her, since she was obviously angry. And I'd known Aless long enough to know that I didn't want to be on the wrong side of her tiny fist.

"Why, Crona?" she groaned. "Why do you always hold stuff in when you're upset? We both know you're gonna tell me eventually, so how about you just save us both the stress and tell me?"

I sat up too, afraid to meet her gaze.

"I-I just get scared… that if I say what's wrong, you'll think I'm a wimp."

"Oh, for Christ's sake, Crona, you are probably the most badass person I know. Nothing you could say would make you a wimp."

"O-o-okay…" I stuttered. "Well, to start, I really don't like it when you say things like that about me. Like when you call me sweet and gorgeous and… and badass. I don't like it."

She looked dumbfounded. She spent a few moments thinking about what to say.

"I think you're the first person I've ever met who doesn't like compliments," she said. "Can I ask why?"

"I guess it's because I know it's not true. I mean, to be honest, I think you're lying to make me feel better. While I know that I really don't deserve you or your compliments."

Aless sat there for a second, then muttered something unintelligible.

"What?"

"I said, you're being a baka."

"_What?_"

Ragnarok appeared in a burst of black liquid.

"Hey, bitch! I'm the only one who gets to call Crona an idiot! If you keep this up, there's gonna be a custody battle, I swear!"

Aless pursed her lips.

"You're a baka too. Do you even know what a custody battle _is_?"

"Of course I do. We'll be fighting over the right to insult this kid."

"That's only for parents, Ragnarok. You're not Crona's father, and it'd be awkward if I was his mother."

"That's what you think, you little-"

"_I am not your child!_" I cried, smacking Ragnarok. "Aless, why would you say something like that? I thought you liked me!"

"I do. Very much. But for someone so smart, you can be a real idiot. Hence, 'you're being a baka.' Either you're very stupid or very paranoid to think that I'm lying when I compliment you. I'm trying to make you feel better about yourself, silly!" She lightly punched me shoulder. "And I mean every word I say. And what's that about not deserving me? If anything, the opposite is true."

"What do you mean?"

"Think about it, Crona. We've both done horrible things. But while you've changed your ways and become a good, nice, totally awesome person, I haven't changed a bit. I'm still loud. I'm still obnoxious. I'm still mean. Look, I just called you a baka when I should've been cheering you up. Sometimes I disgust myself with the things I do." She suddenly looked very upset. I was shocked. Aless hardly ever cried, so why was she so close to crying now? I put a tentative hand on hers, and her cheeks went pink.

"You don't disgust me," I told her. "I-I still think you're an angel."

"Fallen angel, maybe." She snorted. "Eh, we're both screwed up, so as long as we got each other, it doesn't matter. I think that's why our little relationship works. We take care of each other, you know?" She sniffed a bit, wiping the beginnings of tears from her eyes.

"Yeah," I said. "We take care of each other."

She hugged me, tight, and we just sat like that for a while, comfortable in each other's arms. After a few minutes, I heard her laugh a little.

"I still think you should be #1," she chuckled. "On both lists. You might be a bit of a baka, but you're a loveable, sweet, sexy baka. And you better believe me this time." I felt her smile and couldn't help but smile too.

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><p>"Really? That little brat cat did this?" Black*Star pointed at Blair, who was still in cat form.<p>

"It's true." she admitted. "No one would play with me! I was bored so I made the list. It was a lot of fun, nya~!"

"_Not for us!_"

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><p><em>AN: Yeah, I just had to write it down. I was laughing as I wrote it, so I hope you laughed too. As always, ideas for stories are appreciated. Leave a review or PM me if there's something you think I should write about._

_On a side note, I think baka is my favorite word._


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